i'm such an idiot sometimes.
i don't know why but i went and saw him. (okay i do know why).
anyway, we were walking, and i just felt strange because i felt he was standing too close. but that's not the weird thing. the weird thing was that he wasn't.
not to mention, the whole time, i never got a good look at his face. i always mainly looked where i was going while talking to him. so now, i can't even remember what he looked like that day. i mean i know what he looks like, just not what he looked like that day.
at some point during the walk, when i turned to him, i felt he was standing too close. when he wasn't.
it was the average distance from another person walking and when i moved away, he moved closer so it was still that distance. that wasn't too close.
i don't know why i felt it was too close. i mean i've walked closer to strangers and hadn't felt that uncomfortable.
it was both uncomfortable and an enjoyable walk all at the same time.
i noted my discomfort but continued to force myself to speak, and it was enjoyable.
but...needless to say, i'm back to the 50% range. or rather, i probably never left it. and if i was really honest to myself, i was probably never there to begin with.
maybe this sounds crazy, but i just realized that i seriously lack mental dialogue.
mental dialogue: having conversations with oneself.
it's through discussions and exchanging ideas that we learn and explore new perspectives, right? and through this discussion, in theory, a person is forced to think.
so in theory, if i have mental dialogue with myself, i will learn more and gain new insights about myself...right?
or having conversations with yourself is a completely insane idea?
asking yourself, do you like this? do you want this? and exploring what comes up in your mind...is that crazy? or normal?
there has to be a point of insanity somewhere, and if that's true, is it also necessarily true that if you don't do something enough, it is also a mark of insanity? and sane is moderation of mental dialogue/conversation/whatever?
i absolutely believe that people have to have some level of mental dialogue.
and i absolutely know that i lack mental dialogue.
does that make me insane? or just bereft of self?
i'm sane according to society; can still function in it and all. so, good for society.
but what's good for me?
more mental dialogue? but if that's what's good for me then wouldn't somehow i'd do it already?
why am i so afriad? why do i hide from thoughts and thinking? and why do i feel my eyes tearing up at the thought of just turning off my ipod and thinking to myself?
when i tell someone i'm thinking, it's only true when there is a topic that is outside of myself am i really thinking. or something shallow about myself the most. the rest, my mind is simply blank and void.
it's like i don't want to turn on my brain and delve deeper in my consciousness.
for instance, right now, i'm just scratching some shallow surface about myself that does not have any real signficance.
i identified the problem. i know the solution.
but my mind won't take.
sup.
i've been unusually uplifted. not too sure why considering nothing "good" happened per say and i still have so much that i have procrastinated on, i'm actually worried how i'm going to finish it all.
news with me....news with me....news with me...
right, so i will probably get the car next quarter. why?
i'm hoping to get an internship class next quarter. hopefully with the teen agency one where i make sure delinquents go to court and stuff like that.
i'm quite excited about that and really, really want it.
of course, i'll be turning in my application tomorrow. yay!
i really hope i get it. [prays]
unfortunately, this also mean that i'm going to have to go nuts with the insurance and gas. crap.
and i haven't been saving money so i'm going to be in slight trouble.
also...i've been thinking of joining the police.
i don't know why, it just seems right to me. ideally, i'd like to be a detective or something more. not too sure yet.
i've only started voicing this yesterday, but in reality, i've been thinking about this for a good month and a half now i think.
not sure if i'm crazy or if this is just another phase.
i just know i'm interested.
and its the reason why i've been going to the gym.
lately, i've been forgetting to breathe.
i don't know what it is that makes me forget such a basic function, but it isn't until i'm gasping for breath later that i realize what had happened.
i wonder what this correlates to in my life.
at first i thought it was just stress and anxiety. but i realize that this happened at work while i was explaining concepts at the front of the workshop.
this one instance automatically throws my anxiety and nervousness theory out the window because i am neither when i facilitate workshop.
so i'm essentially back at square one.
what has recently happened that is so turbulent in my life that may have cause this phenomenon without causing awareness?
i was never so consciously aware of it before now, but music has a very strong affect on me.
just now, i went from Rihanna S.O.S to Goo Goo Dolls Slide to The Script Breakeven.
with Rihanna, i sang along with a lot of feeling and with it, all my frustration with myself. i was such a mess, ready to cry, and i was continuously over-thinking. yes, lots of unwritten feelings here.
then, pandora asked me to sign in, and they sent me to one of my stations, Iris to be specific.
the Goo Goo Dolls, the Script, and now the Wallflowers One Headlight are making me happy again. i suppose they're mellowing me out, but i'm more at peace now.
i love music. i may not have this strong passion for it that makes me memorize the artists, the songs, or know more about the culture and where it's going, but i definitely cannot imagine my life without it. i cannot go to school without my iPod, i cannot go anywhere without it actually. everyone always comments on how i always have my iPod on me. they also usually comment on the variety of music on it.
this isn't the first time music is my savior, suppressor, or anti-depressant however.
a few weeks ago, i'm not sure when, but i was also downtrodden. anthony, you may be familiar with it. i didn't see someone for over a week, and i was so happy to see him when i normally wouldn't. and now, we don't even get a goodbye. okay, i'm going on a tangent again.
point is, a few weeks ago, i was downtrodden. and then, i went to Garbage. i didn't literally go to them, it just happened. i think i stumbled on Vitamin String Quartet on facebook and from there got to Garbage. When it Rains and I Think I'm Paranoid really saved me.
needless to say, this has probably been a pattern that might have started back in high school when i started carrying around a cd player everywhere. i wonder how it started, but here's my ode to music and thanks to it.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qBzuYyK_z0]
did you guys knew that? (i very much appreciate the fact that you two are guys and so i can say "you guys" and not have to say "you all" by the way. so, thank you. :) ) and if you did knew that, why didn't ya'll tell me? i mean, i feel that this is definitely something i am entitled to know without having to find out on my own. (yes, i am fully aware that i am being unreasonable).
my mum recently ranted to me about my sister, and i cannot help but worry about her finances now. (funny how the drama in my life is coming from my sister and family).
why am i being so silly? she's a full decade older than me. she has to know more, has to be more responsible, no?
why am i so worried? she's my big sister - and i mean big - pregnant and all that not to mention TEN YEARS my senior.
why is she letting this guy delude her so? am i blaming this guy too much? the irresponsible, pathetic, idiot?
i know she's to blame as well, but i feel like blaming it all mostly on his ass!
i don't want to believe this, but are you really the company you keep?
my sister used to save money, eat less salt, was less thoughtless and inconsiderate, but now she's all of those things that, yes, its full well within her character, but i cannot help but see it as mainly an affect he has on her.
i'm rambling, and thinking, and typing at the same time but my typing does not catch up with my worrying or thinking.
right, so back to the original story.
i was worried about my sister's finances. apparently, she's been paying for everything monthly - the car, the motorcycle, the couch, everything! and we both know that the interest was probably ridiculous.
she makes at least forty k a year, she should not be having to pay monthly for all these things she's using.
i think its the same deal for the computer in which her husband doesn't even need! i mean honestly! my family doesn't have a working computer from home and my brother works with computers!
why does he have a ps3 and a wii when he can't pay off anything!? i swear, the path he takes my sister down.
not only that, my sister is diabetic and pregnant. DIABETIC! PREGNANT! WTH! and now, he's leading her down this ... this salty road full of SALT.
okay not to bash you lovely mikey but seriously - SALT IS BAD FOR YOU!
and being uncaring and thoughtless towards your family is also bad! its just bad! very very very bad!
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!
my sister better be okay otherwise that ass is gonna get massacred.
fuckin' bullshitin' grr!
... the end O:)
(don't ask me why i felt like giving a narrative within my musings using parentheses)
i don't know whether i'm happy or not (and this is in reference to something that i should mention before blogging. it's not just a general idea of happiness. something happened and i don't know whether i'm happy about it or not. i thought i was happy, but then i either realized that i wasn't really that happy or i'm just downplaying the happiness i felt at the time. i don't know anymore).
i say that i don't think a lot, but in reality, do i actually over-think things? (note, i added the writing in parentheses after i typed the things without.)
i am proud, despite how truly horrendous it is, that i can control my thoughts. i may not be very self-disciplined when it comes to responsibilities and life, but i have a very strong mental control.
when i don't want to think of something, it is very easy to blank out. when i want to turn off my brain and not think at all, it isn't that much trouble.
but, what if somehow my mind has developed a way past these barriers?
wouldn't it be just great if what's actually happening is that although i am not consciously aware of the fact, but in actuality, i am thinking obsessively in the back of my mind?
what if (i know, i'm playing the stupid what if game), my mind is actually actively thinking about everything and is clever enough to do it in the background so as i don't notice and it slowly seeps to the front in time?
what if (ugh, i hate this game), my mind is betraying me by leading me to think that i am not thinking, but in reality, i am (talk about paranoia...[motions the she's been drinking hand motion] ... she hasn't but i thought the motion is appropriate for the phrase)?
[/caption]
This is Toyota's famous Robot Violinist. It not so recently played at Shanghai World Expo 2010, and it first debuted in 2007. This robot is currently under further development to ultimately become a personal assistant.
this depresses and amazes me at the same time.
how many people will be put out of jobs? when will human labor not be needed?
at what time will we forget human contact?
at what stage will we lose our humanity?
i'm thinking too much and am too easily affected by the media.
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