kas's blog

yesterday

i'm such an idiot sometimes. i don't know why but i went and saw him. (okay i do know why). anyway,  we were walking, and i just felt strange because i felt he was standing too close. but that's not the weird thing. the weird thing was that he wasn't. not to mention, the whole time, i never got a good look at his face. i always mainly looked where i was going while talking to him. so now, i can't even remember what he looked like that day. i mean i know what he looks like, just not what he looked like that day. at some point during the walk, when i turned to him, i felt he was standing too close. when he wasn't. it was the average distance from another person walking and when i moved away, he moved closer so it was still that distance. that wasn't too close. i don't know why i felt it was too close. i mean i've walked closer to strangers and hadn't felt that uncomfortable. it was both uncomfortable and an enjoyable walk all at the same time. i noted my discomfort but continued to force myself to speak, and it was enjoyable. but...needless to say, i'm back to the 50% range. or rather, i probably never left it. and if i was really honest to myself, i was probably never there to begin with.

mental dialogue

maybe this sounds crazy, but i just realized that i seriously lack mental dialogue. mental dialogue: having conversations with oneself. it's through discussions and exchanging ideas that we learn and explore new perspectives, right? and through this discussion, in theory, a person is forced to think. so in theory, if i have mental dialogue with myself, i will learn more and gain new insights about myself...right? or having conversations with yourself is a completely insane idea? asking yourself, do you like this? do you want this? and exploring what comes up in your mind...is that crazy? or normal? there has to be a point of insanity somewhere, and if that's true, is it also necessarily true that if you don't do something enough, it is also a mark of insanity? and sane is moderation of mental dialogue/conversation/whatever? i absolutely believe that people have to have some level of mental dialogue. and i absolutely know that i lack mental dialogue. does that make me insane? or just bereft of self? i'm sane according to society; can still function in it and all. so, good for society. but what's good for me? more mental dialogue? but if that's what's good for me then wouldn't somehow i'd do it already? why am i so afriad? why do i hide from thoughts and thinking? and why do i feel my eyes tearing up at the thought of just turning off my ipod and thinking to myself? when i tell someone i'm thinking, it's only true when there is a topic that is outside of myself am i really thinking. or something shallow about myself the most. the rest, my mind is simply blank and void. it's like i don't want to turn on my brain and delve deeper in my consciousness. for instance, right now, i'm just scratching some shallow surface about myself that does not have any real signficance. i identified the problem. i know the solution. but my mind won't take.  

look an update to get rid of the picture

sup. i've been unusually uplifted. not too sure why considering nothing "good" happened per say and i still have so much that i have procrastinated on, i'm actually worried how i'm going to finish it all. news with me....news with me....news with me... right, so i will probably get the car next quarter. why? i'm hoping to get an internship class next quarter. hopefully with the teen agency one where i make sure delinquents go to court and stuff like that. i'm quite excited about that and really, really want it. of course, i'll be turning in my application tomorrow. yay! i really hope i get it. [prays] unfortunately, this also mean that i'm going to have to go nuts with the insurance and gas. crap. and i haven't been saving money so i'm going to be in slight trouble. also...i've been thinking of joining the police. i don't know why, it just seems right to me. ideally, i'd like to be a detective or something more. not too sure yet. i've only started voicing this yesterday, but in reality, i've been thinking about this for a good month and a half now i think. not sure if i'm crazy or if this is just another phase. i just know i'm interested. and its the reason why i've been going to the gym.

Evil Voluntary Chapter One:

Chapter One: This makes it twice he was an idiot. They had freed him; she had freed him. Yet here he was, falling on his face, running back to warn his enemies of an impending attack when he can just leave them to their death. It doesn't help that he can still taste the mud. ---- "I've heard about you," he heard in flawless melodic Kyadic. The light was bright; it hurts his eyes before he even opened them. He was on his back, untied, and lying on what felt like rugged but moist dirt. It soaked through his cotton shirt. He may be untied now, but he doubts he's in amiable company. "I did not think that the Duke would be so comfortable on the ground." And at that moment, he was immediately hauled up from both sides and roughly pushed back, so that he landed on his behind. His eyes shot open in pain from the landing and he knew his bottom was bruised. He looked in the direction of the voice, careful to veil his glare, he smiled as he usually did when anxious. "I hope you don't mind," she tilted her head with a smile, "it's just easier when you're sitting." The young woman could not have been older than him, younger probably even. She sat five feet across from him, her legs crossed, and hands folded in her lap as she leaned forward in curiosity.