lately, i've been forgetting to breathe.
i don't know what it is that makes me forget such a basic function, but it isn't until i'm gasping for breath later that i realize what had happened.
i wonder what this correlates to in my life.
at first i thought it was just stress and anxiety. but i realize that this happened at work while i was explaining concepts at the front of the workshop.
this one instance automatically throws my anxiety and nervousness theory out the window because i am neither when i facilitate workshop.
so i'm essentially back at square one.
what has recently happened that is so turbulent in my life that may have cause this phenomenon without causing awareness?
i was never so consciously aware of it before now, but music has a very strong affect on me.
just now, i went from Rihanna S.O.S to Goo Goo Dolls Slide to The Script Breakeven.
with Rihanna, i sang along with a lot of feeling and with it, all my frustration with myself. i was such a mess, ready to cry, and i was continuously over-thinking. yes, lots of unwritten feelings here.
then, pandora asked me to sign in, and they sent me to one of my stations, Iris to be specific.
the Goo Goo Dolls, the Script, and now the Wallflowers One Headlight are making me happy again. i suppose they're mellowing me out, but i'm more at peace now.
i love music. i may not have this strong passion for it that makes me memorize the artists, the songs, or know more about the culture and where it's going, but i definitely cannot imagine my life without it. i cannot go to school without my iPod, i cannot go anywhere without it actually. everyone always comments on how i always have my iPod on me. they also usually comment on the variety of music on it.
this isn't the first time music is my savior, suppressor, or anti-depressant however.
a few weeks ago, i'm not sure when, but i was also downtrodden. anthony, you may be familiar with it. i didn't see someone for over a week, and i was so happy to see him when i normally wouldn't. and now, we don't even get a goodbye. okay, i'm going on a tangent again.
point is, a few weeks ago, i was downtrodden. and then, i went to Garbage. i didn't literally go to them, it just happened. i think i stumbled on Vitamin String Quartet on facebook and from there got to Garbage. When it Rains and I Think I'm Paranoid really saved me.
needless to say, this has probably been a pattern that might have started back in high school when i started carrying around a cd player everywhere. i wonder how it started, but here's my ode to music and thanks to it.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qBzuYyK_z0]
did you guys knew that? (i very much appreciate the fact that you two are guys and so i can say "you guys" and not have to say "you all" by the way. so, thank you. :) ) and if you did knew that, why didn't ya'll tell me? i mean, i feel that this is definitely something i am entitled to know without having to find out on my own. (yes, i am fully aware that i am being unreasonable).
my mum recently ranted to me about my sister, and i cannot help but worry about her finances now. (funny how the drama in my life is coming from my sister and family).
why am i being so silly? she's a full decade older than me. she has to know more, has to be more responsible, no?
why am i so worried? she's my big sister - and i mean big - pregnant and all that not to mention TEN YEARS my senior.
why is she letting this guy delude her so? am i blaming this guy too much? the irresponsible, pathetic, idiot?
i know she's to blame as well, but i feel like blaming it all mostly on his ass!
i don't want to believe this, but are you really the company you keep?
my sister used to save money, eat less salt, was less thoughtless and inconsiderate, but now she's all of those things that, yes, its full well within her character, but i cannot help but see it as mainly an affect he has on her.
i'm rambling, and thinking, and typing at the same time but my typing does not catch up with my worrying or thinking.
right, so back to the original story.
i was worried about my sister's finances. apparently, she's been paying for everything monthly - the car, the motorcycle, the couch, everything! and we both know that the interest was probably ridiculous.
she makes at least forty k a year, she should not be having to pay monthly for all these things she's using.
i think its the same deal for the computer in which her husband doesn't even need! i mean honestly! my family doesn't have a working computer from home and my brother works with computers!
why does he have a ps3 and a wii when he can't pay off anything!? i swear, the path he takes my sister down.
not only that, my sister is diabetic and pregnant. DIABETIC! PREGNANT! WTH! and now, he's leading her down this ... this salty road full of SALT.
okay not to bash you lovely mikey but seriously - SALT IS BAD FOR YOU!
and being uncaring and thoughtless towards your family is also bad! its just bad! very very very bad!
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!
my sister better be okay otherwise that ass is gonna get massacred.
fuckin' bullshitin' grr!
... the end O:)
(don't ask me why i felt like giving a narrative within my musings using parentheses)
i don't know whether i'm happy or not (and this is in reference to something that i should mention before blogging. it's not just a general idea of happiness. something happened and i don't know whether i'm happy about it or not. i thought i was happy, but then i either realized that i wasn't really that happy or i'm just downplaying the happiness i felt at the time. i don't know anymore).
i say that i don't think a lot, but in reality, do i actually over-think things? (note, i added the writing in parentheses after i typed the things without.)
i am proud, despite how truly horrendous it is, that i can control my thoughts. i may not be very self-disciplined when it comes to responsibilities and life, but i have a very strong mental control.
when i don't want to think of something, it is very easy to blank out. when i want to turn off my brain and not think at all, it isn't that much trouble.
but, what if somehow my mind has developed a way past these barriers?
wouldn't it be just great if what's actually happening is that although i am not consciously aware of the fact, but in actuality, i am thinking obsessively in the back of my mind?
what if (i know, i'm playing the stupid what if game), my mind is actually actively thinking about everything and is clever enough to do it in the background so as i don't notice and it slowly seeps to the front in time?
what if (ugh, i hate this game), my mind is betraying me by leading me to think that i am not thinking, but in reality, i am (talk about paranoia...[motions the she's been drinking hand motion] ... she hasn't but i thought the motion is appropriate for the phrase)?
well...i've just come to the conclusion that i'm one of those proper people, not extreme proper, but pretty gosh darn proper. or at least, i think the term is "proper."
when i was building legos with my cousin today, instead of just finding the pieces at random, i got annoyed and started organizing them instead. i had more fun organizing the pieces than actually building the thing.
what's interesting is that i definitely was not one of those kids when i was younger.
i was given a lock to set the combination to, and i had to read the instructions word for word and follow it to the letter; when i was younger, i skimmed.
i have a feeling that if you give me a brand new lego set, i will sit down, count the pieces and organize them before actually building - assuming i ever get around to building.
interesting (or not) development.
...it's a development at 19.
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