neither here nor there

(don't ask me why i felt like giving a narrative within my musings using parentheses) i don't know whether i'm happy or not (and this is in reference to something that i should mention before blogging. it's not just a general idea of happiness. something happened and i don't know whether i'm happy about it or not. i thought i was happy, but then i either realized that i wasn't really that happy or i'm just downplaying the happiness i felt at the time. i don't know anymore). i say that i don't think a lot, but in reality, do i actually over-think things? (note, i added the writing in parentheses after i typed the things without.) i am proud, despite how truly horrendous it is, that i can control my thoughts. i may not be very self-disciplined when it comes to responsibilities and life, but i have a very strong mental control. when i don't want to think of something, it is very easy to blank out. when i want to turn off my brain and not think at all, it isn't that much trouble. but, what if somehow my mind has developed a way past these barriers? wouldn't it be just great if what's actually happening is that although i am not consciously aware of the fact, but in actuality, i am thinking obsessively in the back of my mind? what if (i know, i'm playing the stupid what if game), my mind is actually actively thinking about everything and is clever enough to do it in the background so as i don't notice and it slowly seeps to the front in time? what if (ugh, i hate this game), my mind is betraying me by leading me to think that i am not thinking, but in reality, i am (talk about paranoia...[motions the she's been drinking hand motion] ... she hasn't but i thought the motion is appropriate for the phrase)?